How To Make Grandmaster Friends (2020 Edition)
Want to get help on problems but don’t have any high rated friends? Does paying for a competitive programming mentor seem completely ridiculous? Well today is your lucky day, as I’ll be teaching you 3 simple techniques to make Grandmaster friends1!
Integrity
To ensure the effectiveness of these techniques, I’ve taken the following measures to ensure the conditions are as close as possible to what you might experience in your own field tests:
-
To simulate the success of someone in a lower rating range, I’ve created an unrated alt account2 that has no ties with my original account.
-
For a random sample of GMs, I’ve randomly generated 3 names from the pool of active competitors on Codeforces.
Technique #1 - Death by Words (DW)
While GMs might intimidate you with their large rating, you can parry with an equally large vocabulary. Taking inspiration from peacocks, we’ll artificially boost our “plumage” of knowledge to try and get the GM to respond. When writing any message to a GM, just throw it in this text converter to instantly boost your chances at getting a response. Just like competitive programming, it’s important to get the fundamentals down first, so be sure to master this before moving onto higher level techniques.
Analysis
I’ve gone with a stock standard greeting followed by the classic, “long time no see, bro”. This is essential to build rapport between us before he realizes what’s being done. Although not shown in the screenshot, I’ve also submitted multiple compilation errors, not because I can’t program, but to garner sympathy. I’ve included another bonus tip in the submission on how to optimize your code for better results for the truly dedicated.
Mr. Colin must think he’s quite clever now that he’s outwitted us by asking where the submission is, but we aren’t out of tricks yet. These nonanswer responses are quite common, but it’s always key to keep pushing until you receive a firm no.
Technique #2 - Write a Blog (WB)
Although this technique is lengthy and requires far greater amounts of work than the most methods, it’s also the most risk averse. You start a blog series on, I don’t know, maybe some “Road to Reach xxxx” to lure GMs in like moths to a flame. Once they leave a comment, you can quickly slide in their DMs with a “would you be willing to help” or something along the lines of what I show below.
Analysis
I don’t have any blog posts on this account, but luckily Summitwei wasn’t too observant. We’re mixing it up from Technique 1 by starting off with Sir instead of Mr for a nice bit of alliteration, but this isn’t required for success. For this example, I’ve employed the famous Karangreat Gambit: asking directly for help during live contests. Most people follow the Modernist school of philosophy that the gambit is unsound for modern day play, but I use it here to highlight some lesser known techniques and to spice up the usual boring exchanges that come from the WB opening. But with any chess, I mean friend making, opening, it’s important to look at the opponent’s response.
Another nonanswer. Although these might seem like failures, getting any response is better than none at all. The key behavior to note is that Summit never explicitly says no, which is a clear signal that he would like to discuss the specifics such as monetary payment on another platform where direct messages are truly private. Usual recommendations include Telegram, Facebook Messenger, and Clash of Clans global chat.
Technique #3 - Beg3
If things are truly going south, not that they are right now, it might be time to resort to “Code GM Red” measures. Beg, plead, and offer to pay them for help. You aren’t desperate, you’re simply building confidence for your next session. At least that’s what I tell myself.
Meta Analysis
Grammar and Spelling? Out the window. Decency? Who needs that. Forget what I wrote about the first two techniques, just use this one. Turn off your brain, forget what manners are, and prepare for the greatness that awaits you.
Recap
Everyone knows that “third time’s the charm”, so we actually have an 100% success rate. Need I say more?
-
Disclaimer: Do not try this at home. This was performed on a closed course with trained professionals. Side effects include mild nausea, severe backlash, and a possible one way ticket to downvote purgatory. I’m not liable for any damages accrued by following this advice. ↩
-
Making alt accounts is against CodeForces rules, but seeing as it was in the name of education, I sincerely hope Mike shall allow an exception without banishing me from the face of the Earth. Then again, there are accounts like kaunta_oRZ which simultaneously break the alt account rule and the “Do not use harsh, rude or misleading handle.” guideline, so there remains hope yet. ↩
-
This seems like a good time to acknowledge that you won’t be making “friends” in the classic sense of the word whether or not you succeed. But let’s be honest with each other, you just wanted someone to explain editorials for when you’re feeling lazy. ↩